Doing it all... or not!

“A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.” 

Tenneva Jordan

If you take a good look around this blog you'll notice that my posts have been rather infrequent since my husband left on this deployment in April. I really have the best of intentions and have so many goals and hopes for this blog. I think some of the biggest things motherhood and this deployment have taught me is that I can't do it all and do it well, it's not worth the stress to stretch myself to thin trying, and I'd rather be really great and make choices about what I do than mediocre in everything.

I am first and foremost a wife and a mother.
My days begin and end with my daughter while we wait for my husband's return home. I have always wanted to be able to stay home with my babies and it would be such a shame if I stayed home and yet spent all my time just being here and not really being with my daughter. Does that make sense? 


If I'm not going to get down on the floor and play peek-a-shoe Octopus with her then why am I home with her instead of out earning an income and letting her play with someone who can devote their day to her? Don't get me wrong, I know that not every moment of the day can be play but certainly there is enough time in the day to get down on her level and interact in her world!  I am constantly involving her in helping me get things done as I do chores around the house. When I am hanging up clothes, she is right there with me handing me hangers and clothes or playing in a recently folded pile of socks. She's at a glorious age where even the most mundane of chores can be interesting and fun. I love being home with her to watch her explore and grow.

I am so thankful that we have the means to do things with her that create fun and unique learning experiences and memories!  This season we are enrolled in Gymboree Play and Learn and swim lessons. In addition, we are blessed with the opportunity to have a season pass to the zoo, plan to buy a season pass to the pumpkin patch, and are able to attend multiple playgroup meetings. If we are up for adventure on any particular day there are certainly plenty to be had! My little girl just loves to explore and be out with people so an active lifestyle is important to me for her benefit. She is growing in leaps and bounds and I am so proud of my little social butterfly.

I guess all of the above can be summed up by saying I have been busy loving being a mommy during this deployment. 

We are now moving into a season of transition... we are transitioning to more solid foods, sleeping on our own instead of full-time co-sleeping, and having my husband back home in the States with us. Looking forward we will be transitioning even more as the military moves us from Nebraska to Northern California. As with all times of transition there are things to look forward to and there are things we are anxious about, and there is sometimes a sense of loss. I am sad to leave behind my little girl's total and complete babyhood and dependence on me for everything... but I am excited to see the young lady she is going to blossom into. I am going to be sad to leave our first home together, but I am so excited for a new beginning and the chance to make new friends and connections. I am cautiously excited about the possibility of having my husband home with us for an extended period of time as well!

I am currently floating in the "in-between" stage right now. Fall is so close... the nights are colder and the days are shorter. It's almost cool enough to wear a sweatshirt, but oh wait, no. It's still just a touch too warm -- but it IS perfect sunroof weather!  Deployment is nearly over, but it is still so far away...  I need to order homecoming signs and ensure our outfits are ready, but it will be awhile before we get to hang them up or wear them out.

Please bare with me while I get through all that life has in store for us right now. I know that my visions for this blog will one day be a reality. I hope someday I will have time to pursue my passions for writing and photography and ministering to others full-time... but I feel like perhaps God is telling me to wait... not yet...  I hear Him quietly saying "you have other things to focus on first". I have a house to prepare for my husband's homecoming. I have a little girl who needs me to play on the floor instead of look over the top of my laptop.  I hope to post during some of my "me" time but for now I think my posts will have to be limited as I dedicate most of my "me" time to preparing our home for a peaceful homecoming and transition period. Once our home is in a better state I can better justify using some of my "me" time for my own purposes.

If you'd like to pray for us - please do! 

We welcome any and all prayers, but especially prayers for smooth transitions in the upcoming days, weeks, and months ahead.

Thank you for being faithful blog readers even when I am not able to post as frequently as I hoped. Your support and friendship means so much and I am so thankful for the opportunity to connect and be inspired by each and every one of you. If there is anything I can pray for you about please send me an email or a facebook message and let me know. I am still around and will never be far away...

In Christ,
Cat

VoiceQuilt: Congratulations and We Love You, Sarge!

I was recently emailed by a company called VoiceQuilt to do a review for their product. It just happens that the timing is perfect as Sarge will be re-enlisting in the Air Force very soon and this is a great way for our family and friends to be able to congratulate him despite the distance! To top it off sometimes the end of deployment, which we are finally near, can be very stressful as military members try to bridge the gap between work and reconnecting with family and life at home.

The process has just begun but so far it has been incredibly easy!  I signed up on their website and then called the given number and followed the prompts to create a greeting that all callers hear when they call to leave their message. If you have ever used voicemail, this works just the same! We have 7 days to record as many messages as we can. After the messages are recorded, I'll continue the process by arranging them into a playlist and choosing a way to present them to Sarge. There are so many options - I'm not sure what I'll choose just yet but I am leaning toward the Audio CD with Leather CD Holder or maybe something like the 4X6 Photo Black Keepsake Box.

I am so excited about this project!  If you'd like to participate just follow the instructions below! It really doesn't matter if you know Sarge personally or not -- if you're a supporter of the military and our family it would be great to hear from you!

To leave a message of encouragement or congratulations for Sarge dial the toll-free number: 1-877-687-7845 and use invitation number: 154638. Follow the prompts and record your message just like you are leaving a voicemail. Use # to review your message and you can just hang up to save it! The deadline to leave a message is September 12, 2011 so please call TODAY!  In addition, if you'd like to send a card you can find our PO Box address on the contact me tab above.

Thank you for helping me create such a great surprise for Sarge!  I'll be blogging more about VoiceQuilt as I work on the project and there just might be a discount or giveaway so stay tuned!

taking a break

I've decided to take a short break from the blog to focus on my baby girl.
In her sweet eyes I can see that she needs her mommy's full attention right now.

We'd appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see she was sent to rescue me

I see who I wanna be, in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe, in my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light, it's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave, maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy she made me
For I'll be there, in my daughters eyes.

just us girls

Sarge has been gone for a couple weeks now and Monkey and I are still trying to settle into a groove of our own. Things are different without daddy around, and we're finding it a bit strange to not have his work schedule to plan around.

I thought we were getting the hang of things, but over the weekend we had a scary introduction to food allergies for Monkey. She is still exclusively breastfed so they say it was likely related to some peanuts that I ate. I rarely eat peanuts, unless I am dipping apples in peanut butter, but reached for a quick easy snack late one night.

 A few hours later, my sweet girl was covered in hives and I was rushing her to the hospital. I am so thankful that we live very close to the hospital as the situation was critical when we got there. Modern medicine is a wonderful thing and my sweet girl was doing much better a few hours later. 

Tuesday night, we had a similar experience, except we aren't sure what caused it as I made sure I did not eat anything containing nuts! After another trip to the ER we are both quite exhausted and praying that things settle down for a little bit.  Any semblance of a routine is also a little thrown off right now so we're hoping to get back to it and settle back into a good groove really soon!

When we got home from our latest long night at the hospital I decided that we would take a day to just reconnect and refresh ourselves. Oh, how we needed that!

I knew going into this deployment that solo-parenting would be quite challenging at times, especially with Monkey being only 6 months old and still needing so much care 24 hours a day. Yet, I guess you can never really prepare for this type of an experience and how it will really affect each member of the family. 

We are doing the best we can, but we both miss Sarge very much!  I am surprised at how much Monkey is able to communicate with me that she misses her daddy. I'm not sure why I didn't expect it, but I thought it would be easier because she is younger. She really notices his absence! 

The first week he was gone, she would meltdown for 2-3 hours after we got off of the phone or Skype with him. Thankfully, she seems to be adjusting a little better and while she still gets sad when daddy has to go, we are not often having the long meltdowns we were having previously. 

 I have been working on editing together several videos Sarge made for Monkey before he left and watching her watch daddy is becoming an absolute favorite part of my day! It might just be a recording of Sarge, but that's her daddy and she savors every chance to interact with him. She is thrilled that he knows and never tires of her favorite game - peek-a-boo!

 I'm realizing more and more that right now my little girl just needs her mommy. The house is messy and less organized than I prefer, the laundry piles up a little higher, and the dishwasher is always full of dishes... but none of that matters in her life right now! All that matters is that she has a little extra time and attention as we adjust to having Sarge so far away, and as long as she is content I am happy to set aside those not so important things for another time. 

She's not always going to be 6 months old so I'm cherishing every second. I'm thankful that at least for right now all it takes to cheer her up is a video of daddy and some extra snuggles from mommy!

black socks

Monkey and I are back home and finally starting to settle back in. True to what I said previously, I did not expect much of myself when I got home. I was more social than planned and really enjoyed getting together with a few friends. I gave myself a break as far as housework was concerned and just focused on being back home and getting Monkey into a routine that works for the two of us. 

Yesterday, started out a bit rocky. Sarge was wonderful and took the time to call me before heading to bed, but I was stressed and didn't get the response from him that I wanted or needed and was quickly frustrated. We talked through it, but as we said our "see you soon's" I was still burdened with being here alone and having to make all the decisions mostly by myself.

I decided it was time to tackle cleaning up a little and since I've been sleeping on my husband's side of the bed, I started with moving his nightstand, the dog kennel and his lamp to really clean up under and behind them. Boy, was that needed! I then began straightening the area toward the end of the bed and lifted up the comforter that usually spends most of its time on the floor after we kick it off because we are too hot. 

There they were. Still in their packaging, a brand new pair of my favorite black socks!

Ok, I know you're sitting there going "big deal, it's a pair of socks!" but seriously? When was the last time you put on a brand spanking new pair of socks? Do you remember how it feels? They are so soft and full of cushion and I just love the way they feel on my feet when they are brand new! I'm not totally crazy, did you know that Robin Williams only wears every pair of his socks once and then donates them to charity? He does!

I love brand new socks! Not long ago, my husband came home from the store with that very package of brand new socks. He was trying to cheer me up and his mission was successful!  Not only did I love the thought when he first gave them to me, but in that moment when I found those socks hiding under the comforter it felt like my husband was right back home with me, where he belongs. My heart smiled and it was as if he was giving me a sign that everything is going to be ok, even if they are stressful and hard right now.

He doesn't always have the words, and that frustrates me. He has always been there for me no matter what in his own little ways though. Last night, it was those socks that reminded me of his love and that I'm not alone, even when he is so far away. I am absolutely the luckiest!

There is only one fitting way to end this entry..

Black socks they never get dirty, the longer you wear them the stronger they get!

Sometimes I think I should wash them but something inside me keeps saying not yet!

Not yet! Not yet! Not yet!

together

Can you hold me together? Can your love reach down this far?

Can you hold me together? 'Cause without you holding my heart, I'm falling apart.
I'm falling apart.

And love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm.

'Cause even the dark you can still see the light. It's gonna be alright. 

It's gonna be alright.

Anyone can feel the ache, you think it's more than you can take.

But you are stronger, stronger than you know.
Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining.

You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining.

I've seen dreams that move the mountains.
Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
And I've seen miracles just happen.
Silent prayers get answered.

Broken hearts become brand new.

That's what faith can do.

When the world says you can't, it'll tell you that you can.
That's what faith can do.

Serious illness. Financial stress. Scary Pregnancy/Delivery. Deployments.
Whatever life throws our way...


Our God is greater, our God is stronger.
Our God is healer, awesome and power.
And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against us?

He gave us each other.
When we are weak, He will make us strong.

Together we can get through anything.
I love you, Sarge.

** Thank you KLove morning show (with Mandisa in for Lisa) for playing the perfect soundtrack at just the right time.  Lyrics from Royal Tailor, Matt Maher, Kutless, and Chris Tomlin.

I will be strong for him

Deployment #2 - Here we go.

Deployments are hard - no question.  Last year, during our first deployment I was actually pretty lucky.  I was pregnant with Monkey and so sick that I was drugged up and sleeping almost 20 hours a day. I usually woke up long enough for the home health nurses to come, or to accept a medication delivery, go to the doctor, and get a phone call from Sarge. It hurt for him to be gone and I missed him so much... but I was lucky because when you're sleeping time passes quickly.

This time, I expect that things are going to be very different. I'm not sick and I refuse to just pull the covers over my head until he comes home. Our daughter needs me and Sarge needs me. I have to be strong. I have to keep carrying on.

So, in the spirit of promising to be strong and following the inspiration of a fellow military wife, I make these promises to myself -- and to Sarge and Monkey.

The first week, I expect nothing of myself -- other than to make it back home with Monkey, safely and with enough groceries to fill the fridge so we don't have to run out to the store for a few days, and spend most of our days cuddling, just us girls.

I won't eat only junk, but I'll allow myself some comfort foods. I'll sleep on his side of the bed, wear his shirts and steal his pillows -- they still smell so much like him, and I'll cover up with his blankets if it makes me feel better. After a week, I promise to wash the sheets. It won't wash his scent away, anyway. I'll unpack the suitcases, get the mail (even if I only open the fun stuff and leave the rest of later), do laundry and get us settled back into a routine.

After that, I'll find the strength I need to make the decisions we have to make, knowing that even if they make things harder for now, it's for the best future we can give ourselves as a family.

I'll tackle the "man cave" turned office and actually use the Neat Desk we bought so we can dig out from under the paper clutter and not just move it to the next base with us.  Yes, honey that even means the hall closet wall o' boxes.

I'll reach out to friends (close by or far away) when I need to vent, chat or cry and can't reach my Sarge. I'll let those close to me know when it's time to drag me out of the house and stop us from being couped up! I'll make plans to take road-trips to visit special friends who aren't so close by... I hope you girls know who you are and are ready for us to visit!

I'll make plans for mommy dates, play dates, zoo trips and good ol' fun. I'll start swimming lessons and play gym with Monkey. I'll swing on the porch swing and get a baby pool for the backyard. I'll socialize. I'll take pictures and videos. I'll remember that it's ok to have fun - it's important.

When it gets hard to be a solo-parent, I'll hold Monkey close and remember that she is a piece of Sarge and I that he left with me, to take care of and love, and she gets sad and frustrated with him not being home too. I'll take a deep breath and restore my patience. It's ok if we have rough moments, but I want to remember that even in the roughest moment, Sarge would love to be here with us. It's not his choice to leave.

There's so much more... but a lot of my deployment plans depend on what the final outcome is of the decisions we are still making, so this is a good start.

It is what it is... it sucks. However long it ends up being, 12 months or 15 months or somewhere in between or even longer...  we will make it. I'll be strong for Sarge. I'll be strong for Monkey. We will be ok, because our love is worth it.

I love you Sarge. Be safe - I know you're coming home to us... the same or better.

** For OPSEC reasons, this post is scheduled.

time to feel, time to be

I know I haven't been posting like I should. I've tried - really hard. Between the spotty internet, stress, and military deployment curve-balls being thrown our way, it's just not happening. I know some of you are waiting for the continuation of Monkey's diagnosis story, and I promise it's coming by the end of next week. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting - it wasn't my intention, it's just what is.

Life kind of got in the way of everything for right now and I'm doing good just to keep going while we figure out what is happening in our immediate future.

So what is going on? Deployment is so close to starting, and emotions we didn't expect to come to the surface this time around have made their way to the surface of our hearts. Silly us, we thought since we'd been through this before it would be easier this time. I never imagined it would actually be harder.

Sarge and I, our last night at home
Deployment #1, December 2009

For now, I'm soaking up the moments in his arms.

I'm savoring every second we have in these moments.

When he comes home all 3 of us will have experienced at least one birthday, and changed a digit or two in our ages. So many holidays and special events we had planned on finally spending together are going to be missed again this year... along with some new ones we didn't imagine we'd be missing.


The latest changes to the deployment have just been hard to swallow for both of us. This just wasn't what we had planned and we don't understand why it has to be this way.

Monkey and Daddy - cuddling in the hotel room
Deployment #2, April 2011

We are also in the midst of making some big decisions concerning our future, and right now it seems like absolutely nothing is certain or stable except our love for each other and our little family, and of course God.

We are trusting and relying on our faith in God to pull us through everything we are facing. He knows so much better than we do and somehow He has a plan for us in all of this. We trust Him, but it doesn't make it easy.

Right now, I know it's ok to fall apart because in a few days he will be gone and that's when I have to be strong. For Monkey, for Sarge, to keep myself going... so for now?

It's ok if the tears fall, because he's here to wipe them away, hold me and remind me that no matter what we will be ok.  I'll be posting more on this song and how it has touched my life, later... but for now I'm just going to quote it.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy. And what if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise... - Laura Story, Blessings

Heroes never shutdown

The Merrium-Webster dictionary defines a hero as a "man admired for his achievements and noble qualities"; "one who shows great courage".

As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room in southern Mississippi. My husband is here getting ready for yet another deployment, less than a year after returning from his last tour of duty. My 5 month old daughter and I joined him a few days ago, planning to soak up every last moment we have together before he is gone for a still undetermined amount of time.

Today my husband woke up early, pulled on his combat boots and kissed us goodbye. When I look at his face, I see unfailing dedication and love for his family and for his country. Sadly, today I also see stress and fear at what is to come and what we will be facing while he is away.

Everyone is abuzz with news of the possible and likely probable government shutdown and what it would specifically mean for military families. Why should he and so many others have to add to the usual stress of deployment, the stress of not knowing if their wives and children will have enough money to pay the bills and keep food on the table while they are away? They are putting their lives on the line for the very country that has put this stress on them! Instead of being able to focus solely on the mission, they are now distracted by what is going on back at home.

 Has anyone stopped to think of the cold hard realization that if the military actually stops getting paid someone, somewhere is going to be killed in the line of duty while their family is not receiving the paycheck that they have earned! That, to me, is an inexcusable tragedy that should never be something we have to worry about happening.

It's not the fact that we are personally unprepared for this that boggles my mind and angers me. I am confident that we will survive, even if my daughter and I have to go stay with family to ensure that we have running water and electricity because privatized off base military housing fails to provide this to us when they aren't receiving our BAH.

What gets to me is the fact that this entire situation is avoidable. There is absolutely NO reason why those with the power to make the decisions to agree on the budget could not have come to a resolution by now, April 8, 2011. I'm not very into politics but it is my understanding that they have had more than enough time to figure out their differences and come to a compromise.

I don't have any answers in this, and honestly my voice is just one of many who will probably always be overlooked by those in office who make the decisions. We serve a God who is bigger than a government shutdown and I trust that He will provide for us. I do hope that those in office will wake up and look around and see what they are doing to the ones who are fighting for this country and the families who are faithfully waiting for them to return.

In a few days, my husband will board a plane for Afghanistan. He will do it regardless of what is happening with the government shutdown or where our family stands financially in the wake of what is happening. He will do it because he has made a commitment to serve his country. I will soon kiss his face for the last time in a very long time and savor every last moment that his arms are wrapped around me, knowing that he is a man of his word, who stands up for what he believes in. My husband plans to re-enlist once again while overseas, because he believes he is making a difference and saving lives.

He is an American Airman and I am the wife of a true hero. He will never shutdown, even if the government does. 



President Obama and members of Congress:


Please look around at those who are most affected by your inability to create a compromise that forces a government shutdown. 

Have you ever kissed your loved ones goodbye and boarded a plane for a war-torn country, unsure of whether or not you would ever see them again?  Have you ever waited for a phone call that tells you that your loved one is safe, only to hang up and begin waiting for the next -- all while keeping the kids and family running smoothly as though there is nothing to worry about? Have you ever heard the doorbell ring and felt your heart stop, wondering if on the other side were military officials there to tell you that your loved one had paid the ultimate price for your freedom? Have you ever worked a 22 hour day, taken a cold shower, eaten an MRE as your only meal for the day, and waited in line for an hour to call and let your loved ones know you are alive and well -- at least for today?  My husband has. I have. Military members, wives (and husbands and other family members left behind) do every single day.


Please think of those who are fighting for our freedom, who have left their families behind trusting that the pay they are earning will arrive in a timely manner. Think of the mothers who are worried that they will not be able to feed their children, the children who may or may not understand why there is not enough food to go around and who didn't ask to be put in that position.

Perhaps you and those you love are fortunate enough that none of this will affect you, whether it is because you are exempt from having your pay stop during a shutdown or because you simply make enough that missing a paycheck or two doesn't matter. There are so many out there who will be affected and it is not fair to them to suffer for your irresponsibility. At the very least, if a shutdown IS necessary, please give us notice and warning and provide information to help us get through these troubled times instead of continuing to lead us to believe that something will work out in time for us to still get paid our full expected amount.

If you can't come to an agreement about the issues that you are still arguing over after so many months, can you at least agree that during this shutdown no one should lose electricity or have their water shut off because they cannot pay the bill? What about car payments, house payments, and other necessary pieces of our lives? Will you guarantee that my car will not be taken away when I don't pay the bill this month? Will you talk to my mortgage lender or landlord and explain that I need more time to pay? Just what bank do you think will give me and my husband a loan when we are already overextended and as of now have no promise of when we will receive pay next?


When you go home from your office today, I hope that you are able to enjoy your weekend with those you love the most, worry-free. It is my husband's last weekend in this country and instead of being able to enjoy our time eating at his favorite places and driving a few hours to the beach to show our daughter the ocean for the first time, we are going to be cuddled up together coming up with a back up plan for just in case I go home to find that we are without the basic necessities of daily life. Instead of boarding a plane to Afghanistan clinging to fond memories of his last days in the US for a still undetermined amount of time, my husband will board a plane worried about what his wife and daughter are facing while he is away.

I'm sure the issues you are arguing over are important. 
That's why my husband, a member of the US Air Force, does what he does - to give you the right to disagree over those issues.  

Please, if you can't respect each other and the people of the United States of America enough to find a compromise, at least find the respect to give my husband and other military members a paycheck to provide a life for his family.

My husband is a hero and he will never shutdown his efforts. Please don't shutdown yours.


Sincerely and Respectfully,
this military wife

Waiting and Living

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am hopeful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it is painful 

But patiently, I will wait 

As a military spouse, it sometimes feels like I am constantly waiting.  

I'm waiting on my husband to leave so we can countdown to him coming home. I'm waiting to find out where and when we will be moving next. I'm waiting for the right time to continue pursing my own education and career. We are waiting on the right time to try to have our next child.  I'm waiting for a phone call or email that tells me my husband is safe. We are waiting for the "higher ups" to make decisions that affect every aspect of our lives. 

It's hard to wait and it's hard to not be in control.  It's hard to have to turn down wonderful opportunities because so many details in our everyday life are unclear.

I will move ahead, bold and confident 

Taking every step in obedience 

While I'm waiting 

I will serve You 

While I'm waiting 

I will worship 

While I'm waiting 

I will not faint 

I'll be running the race 

Even while I wait 

No matter how hard it is, I've discovered that I have to keep living while I'm waiting. I have to keep serving while I'm waiting, wherever I am. When it's hardest to wait, I have to turn to God and trust in His plan and His timing.

Right now we are in a difficult position. We are waiting for deployment to start. Plans are uncertain. Orders are unspecific. Chaos reins. The rumors are flying. We are just waiting... some days it feels like our life is on hold and we are waiting for it to resume!

Today, I am thankful to be reminded that the Lord has a plan.  While we're waiting, I can be praying that the Lord shows me how He wants me to serve Him during this time. I can pray that the Lord uses my husband for good during his upcoming deployment and that He is protected from all the dangers overseas. I can pray that my daughter and I grow closer together and closer to my husband while he is away.

God has a purpose for my life and I will faithfully wait for Him to show me how I can serve while living this crazy military lifestyle.

I'm waiting 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

And I am peaceful 

I'm waiting on You, Lord 

Though it's not easy 

But faithfully, I will wait 

Yes, I will wait 

Lyrics by John Waller - While I'm Waiting. You can find the video for these lyrics on YouTube.

laughter is good for the soul

I feel like my head is spinning and I'm having trouble concentrating.
Part of it is stress. Part of it is exhaustion. Part of it is that I'm still battling illness.

My house is a mess.  

My laundry pile is overflowing.  

Last night we ate hot pockets for dinner because I didn't want to scrub the skillet from the night before.

You know what though?  Absolutely NONE of this matters.

I spent most of the day in bed, cuddling and giggling with my little girl. I don't regret it at all!

Pre-bedtime nursing in the bathtub = Heaven on earth!

2am is my new bedtime... those extra couple hours in the day with my husband are so special!

The moments are what matter. The rest of it is just... filler stuff!

In just a matter of days our family will be going through another deployment. While having a clean house and being caught up on the laundry would be nice, there will be plenty of time for it later. Right now, I just want to soak up these precious moments that are right in front of us. When Sarge gets back we are all going to be in a different place than where we are right now.  So, I think it's important to focus on this time together, soaking up these moments while we can.

... and baby giggles?  They are one of the BEST gifts God ever gave us!

Today I am thankful for my little girl's laughter. It melts away the stress and burdens on my heart.  I am thankful for the grace of my husband who understands it's hard to send him off to war, and thankful he allows me a "mental health" day to just be in the moment and let everything else go. I am thankful for the moments God is giving me to enjoy right now.

On the mend

After almost an entire week of being completely down with this silly flu and pneumonia combo, I am relieved to say that I think Monkey and I are on the mend. It appears that Sarge has successfully avoided getting sick, which is to be mostly expected since he seems to have an immune system of steel!  Thank goodness he was home and was able to take a few days of leave to help take care of us. It really made me appreciate having him here to help me co-parent. He was able to take the baby and keep her mostly away from me so she didn't get sicker, and just brought her to me for quick cuddles, nursing, and a few diaper changes.   It also made me a little worried about what will happen if I get that sick again while he is deployed... I guess we will cross that bridge if we come to it, and in the meantime we will just pray it doesn't happen!

Unfortunately, being sick meant we had to miss out on several deployment preparation days. Deployment #2 is coming up incredibly quickly! Everything around here literally came to a screeching halt while we were sick and I now feel so behind! Luckily I made a list a few weeks ago and have started organizing things so now we just have to do them!  I thought it might be helpful to do a few posts about things that help me through a deployment.  So, stay tuned for:

• My Deployment binder
• Packing for deployment - guest post from Sarge!
• Flat Daddy Project - with information on how to get a FREE Flat Daddy for your kiddo!
• POA's fast and easy
• OP Love & deployment gifts
• Helping your kids cope with deployment - with a special giveaway!

If you're a military spouse and you have any tips on coping with deployment that you'd like to share please feel free to email me at raisingmonkeyblog@gmail.com!  I'll compile a list and share it here on the blog in the next few weeks.

If you're not military, please stick around!  Aside from deployment, I'll be talking about all the other stuff going on in our life too. I'm especially excited to share about a recent cross country trip we took with Monkey. We left home when she was 1.5 months old and about 8,000 miles in 30 days later we returned when she was 3 months old! It was quite the adventure!

Ah for now, I think it's time for Monkey bathtime and nighttime snuggles! 

Homecoming 2010

It was everything I imagined it would be and more.  Homecoming day has come and gone and I can truly say I am just so thankful to have him home again.  Home... where I can hug him, kiss him, and just spend time with him whenever I want, with no one interrupting us and no waiting in line for his time!

I was extremely nervous to see him on the day he came home.  It was so much like the anticipation I felt going on our first date, after having only talked to him online -  I knew we hit it off online, but I couldn't help but wonder how things would be in person.  This time, I knew he loved me and I loved him but I couldn't help but wonder how we each had changed in person and how we would react to each other's changes.  The day had finally come and despite all the nerves, I was just excited that my husband was finally coming home to me!!

I got to the airport plenty early, so nervous his plane would land early and he would be waiting for me rather than me waiting for him.  I was relieved and then instantly even more anxious when I got there and his plane hadn't come in. The flight number on the screen was different than what he had told me. He had called me when he landed in DC early in the morning, but I hadn't heard from him once he got to Chicago so I was worried he never made it or something had happened with his flights and he wouldn't be arriving on time.

I didn't have to wait too long before I saw him coming through the security doors.  I felt myself instantly light up and it was as if a thousand pounds of weight had been lifted from my shoulders as I ran to him and was wrapped up tight in his arms.  If the people in the airport noticed, I had no clue because in that moment it was if everything else just faded away and we were the only two people on the planet.  I was finally in his arms and there was absolutely no better place to be!  So far, there is nothing in life that has compared to this moment... it was amazing!  The next hour passed in a blur of hugging, kissing, holding hands and eventually getting his baggage from baggage claim and heading to the car to finally head home again... together.  After 8 crazy months, our first deployment journey is finally over!

Deployment Video from The Highleys on Vimeo.

Just to clarify - it was not our decision for my husband to come home from deployment early. The Chief of the Unit determined it to be in the best interest of the military and our family, after doctors discovered a potentially life threatening pregnancy complication. We are extremely lucky and thankful that God placed us in a position to have a Chain of Command who truly puts family first

Internet Woes

I have so much to blog about... but unfortunately, despite having technicians out here on 2 separate occasions we still do not have decently working internet.  They have promised us (yet again) that the next time they come out they will have the proper modem to get our internet up and running and that this will really be the last thing we have to do (except for potentially upgrade our existing router to something else that works better with the new modem we had to purchase) to get things going again.  At this point, my faith in this company is fading and I'm especially growing tired of their poor customer service after the technician today made it clear that he was here as a favor to us on his day off (um, you really aren't doing us a favor since you didn't bring the tools required to complete the job!) and he would rather have just stayed home.  However, I do hope that they will get things back up and running sooner rather than later....

In the meantime, I got our homecoming photos back from the photographer today and let me tell you...  I am so glad that we have these moments captured forever.  Here's a sneak peek at some of the photos from that very special day.  Cross your fingers, I'll be back with plenty to blog about VERY soon!

  

Deployment Number 1 - Dunzo!

By the time this blog post is published I will probably be nestled in bed with my husband, soaking up every second of him finally being home.  That's right, our first deployment is officially coming to a close.  I'm writing this on my very last night of being alone for what we hope is a very long time.

Due to pregnancy complications, my husband's command decided that it was in the best interest of our family for my husband to return home immediately instead of finishing his tour overseas.  I cannot put into words how much this means to both of us.  We can finally put away the stress of him not being here to hear straight from the doctors what is going on.  I can rest easy, knowing that he is safe and sound and will be coming home to me every night.  I won't have to worry about how I will take care of myself, the house and the dog all by myself while being sick and trying to just stay healthy enough to carry this baby to term.  It's a blessing.

This blessing doesn't come without some guilt, however.  I feel awful that circumstances beyond our control have interfered with my husband's duty and obligation to serve.  I know that perhaps I shouldn't feel this way, but it is hard for me to accept that this is the way it needs to be right now.  I know my husband doesn't hold it against me, and I hope no one else will either.  We surely tried as hard as we could to keep him over there, but there comes a point in time when you have to look at the safety of everyone involved and the fact that it is hard to keep your head in the game when you are worried about the health and safety of your wife and child who are very far away.

Our first deployment may be shorter than expected, but it was definitely not short on challenges or learning experiences.  I think I can honestly say that my husband and I have both grown so much during the last few months...  from learning we are expecting to dealing with the normal challenges of maintaining a long distance marriage.  I have successfully driven across the country, survived a blizzard and learned to put chains on a car in a blizzard.  I've managed to survive 5 months of severe HG with the help of doctors, nurses, neighbors, friends and family and of course the support of my loving husband who never once forgot to check on me every single chance he had.  We've been able to make a huge dent in paying off our debt and have come so much further that I ever imagined we would in a very short period of time.  I'm proud of what we have accomplished and dealt with and how we have grown closer together rather than farther apart.

Dealing with deployment is never easy, but it's worth it.  When you love someone you'd do anything for them and surviving deployment with my head held high is just one example of how I show love to my husband.  I'm sure this won't be our last deployment and I know that life has many more learning experiences coming our way.  I'm just excited that we have handled this challenge so well and have finally come through to the other side.

I'll be sure to post pictures as soon as I get them back from the photographer!

How I Really Feel

Today I'm going to share how I really feel about deployment...

Bin Ladin's Exploding Noggin from The Highleys on Vimeo.

That's exactly what I would like to happen.

Then, maybe this whole war thing can end, we can all live happily ever after, 

and my husband and many others' loved ones can come home.

(And yes, I'm aware that this war is about much more than just this one issue...
but I'm not really into discussing politics on this blog so let's just keep it simple.)

Memorial Day 2010

For only the 2nd time during this deployment I got to see my husband on webcam!
He couldn't talk out loud, but it didn't matter. 

 I finally, after 3 very long months, got to see my husband's face!!
I can't tell you the good this does for my heart and soul right now...
There just aren't words to express it!

However, on Memorial Day especially, I am forced to remember that there are too many other wives (and other family members) out there who are currently living through my absolute worst nightmare.  

They don't get to see their loved one's smiling faces on webcams.  

They don't get those middle of the night phone calls that warm your heart as you cry happy tears.
 For way too many, these are just cherished memories that they now cling to more than ever.

Their loved ones have paid the sacrifice for us all to enjoy the freedom to enjoy our everyday lives.

So as you gather around with family and friends today.
Please enjoy your BBQ, the warm sun, and the laughter and good times...
Please also take a moment to remember why you have these privileges.
Please remember those who will forever miss someone special in their life.
Include them.  Reach out to them.  Pray for them.  Honor their loved one's memory.

Don't forget the one's who are still serving and fighting... 

On the battlefield half a world away and on the home front battlefield.
Especially today.  Make the time to remember.
Be thankful to be an American.

I Miss Your Face

Dear Wonderful Hubby Of Mine:  I miss your face.

Your silly face...

Your crazy face...

Your always knows how to make me smile face...

I even miss your stinky face.

Come home soon, so I can kiss your face.

You Gotta Face The Clouds To Find The Silver Lining....

                          

I got to see my sweet baby again today.

The blessing in disguise of having a complicated pregnancy is that every time I've seen the doctor, so far, I've also gotten to see my baby on the screen.  The greatest blessing is that baby is doing very well and growing right on schedule despite mommy not feeling very good.  The high risk OB has changed around some of my medications and has ordered a new FDA approved non medicated treatment for the hyperemesis gravidarium called Prima Bella.  I should hopefully have that by Friday.  I'm hopeful that we are going to turn a corner with this thing soon so I can get back to life a little bit.

On the deployment front... I have to be honest.  Some days are harder than others.  Some nights seem colder and lonelier without him here.  Sometimes the phone call is just not enough, when I need to feel his arms around me...  when I need that comfort of knowing I am not in this alone.  Sometimes I just have to allow myself to fall apart, so I can pick up the pieces and keep going.  We made the choice together, that it was best for me to stay here in our home where I could be close to the doctors who would follow me from the beginning of pregnancy through delivery.  While we both know that was definitely the best choice, it's not always the easiest.  It's very hard to be so far away from family and friends at a time in my life where I feel very helpless, and could quite frankly use the help of family and friends..  Even the most mundane task like getting to the grocery store or the pharmacy has become a monumental undertaking some days.

Sometimes I just need a whole lot of faith to get through the day... and the night.  I just keep reminding myself that we have to face the clouds to find the silver lining.  When this deployment is over, we will have achieved a lot of things as individuals, as a married couple and as a new little family.  It's only the beginning... and in the bigger picture, it is only a small blip in time.  We'll make it through this... and the next several months are not going to last forever.    The great thing about time is that it's constant.  You can't make it go any faster, but it never goes any slower either. It just keeps right on going.

Normally, my husband is the one that listens to KLove exclusively.  It's not that I don't absolutely love KLove - but sometimes a girl has gotta have her country tunes for a little awhile and usually when I'm in the car alone is my country music time.  Since my husband deployed, KLove is the only thing that's been on my radio stations - even in the house.  This song, by Kutless has come on every single time that I have had the radio on.  At this point, I just keep telling myself to have faith.

"I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise"

If faith can do all that... it can get us through this too.

Steaming Inside

Under normal circumstances, I really don't care what others think about me or my marriage because different things work for different people, and we're all different so there is no point in judging someone else.  However, since finding out the wonderful news that my husband and I are expecting a baby I have been bombarded with some of the rudest questions and assumptions I have heard in my life.  I am absolutely floored, and my blood is boiling.

Yes, I really didn't know I was pregnant when my husband left for his deployment.  I actually took a pregnancy test the morning before he left and it came out negative.  I only took a test to reassure us both (mostly me) that my cycle was wacky due to all the chaos and stress we'd been dealing with.

A couple weeks after he left, while stranded in Colorado during a huge spring snowstorm, I came down with what I thought was just a virus or possibly a kidney infection.  I ended up in an Urgent Care after several days of trying to fight off this illness on my own.  It did not even cross my mind to ask them to perform a pregnancy test, I saw absolutely no need.  It is the standing policy at that facility to do a pregnancy test on any female, ages 10-55, who presents with any symptoms that could be attributed to pregnancy.  When that doctor walked into the exam room and said "you know you're pregnant, right?" I was in complete and total shock myself.  I even asked him to check again to make sure he had the right person!  The doctor I saw that day was one of two doctors that I've seen this pregnancy that did not assume I had cheated on my husband.  After talking with him for awhile, he calmly reminded me of the facts of biology and that I could have even conceived a few days after my husband had left and I wouldn't be the first that it had happened to.  We now know that was definitely not the case, and in fact this baby was conceived in love almost 2 weeks PRIOR to my husband's departure.

What I really don't understand is why there are so many people who look at me and automatically assume that because I am pregnant and my husband is deployed, I must have been unfaithful.  I really don't think that is a vibe that I give off, and I'd love to be corrected if I am wrong on this because that is absolutely something I would have to work on immediately.  Those who know me best, really know my heart and know that when I said "I Do" it was forever - not just in the good times or while he's home...  forever and for always.

Is it ideal that my husband is not physically here with me during the majority of this pregnancy?  Not in the slightest.  Oh, how I wish he had been able to be in the doctors office with me when I found out... or at that first ultrasound....  I am sad that he will only be at our gender ultrasound via phone, if we can even arrange that!  He will more than likely be home for the birth, and that is more than a lot of military husbands can say right now - so for that I will choose to be thankful.  I will choose to be glad that I can keep him updated via photos and videos sent in care packages from home.  I choose to focus on the positives instead of the negatives because this baby should be and will be nothing but a blessing!

I guess deep down, under the surface anger, I feel sad for those who have made the assumptions and accusations.  It may not be the case for all of them, but perhaps some of them are so insecure in their own lives and relationships so they just assume the worst instead of looking at the situation in a different way, that assumes the best or at least pauses to consider the facts and biology.  I  guess some of it could just be explained as plain ignorance.

I feel a greater sense of sadness because some of the people who have made these assumptions are not just doctors at some military base who I will never see again, they are closer to me than that and I expected different from them.  Truthfully, I'm not really sure how to express how hurt I am by their accusations without causing a lot of drama.  I guess the best thing I can do is continue living my life in a way that is pleasing to Christ and to my husband.  Living by example, I can hope that others will look at me and see that I am not tempted in any way, by anyone other than my husband.  I want others to look at me and see a woman who is falling more and more in love with her husband, the baby growing inside of her and God every day, through the blessing in disguise that is called deployment.  It's hard for him to be away, but it really doesn't have to be a horrible time in life either.

Everything is what you make it.  Deployment is an opportunity - for growth,  for strength, for courage.