HG Update - PrimaBella and a PICC line

Yesterday, my PrimaBella arrived.  Tricare overruled the appeal to cover this medical device so I ended up paying for it out of pocket.  I am not sure how I feel about it yet but it was highly recommended by the perinatologist I am seeing so I thought I should probably give it a try.  It is an odd sensation to have my hand grow tingly in almost constant waves.  I have noticed that even though I am still pretty nauseous all day and nothing really touches that, I have thrown up less in the last 2 days than in the 2 days prior.  I think a good part of it has to do with having gone to the ER to get some fluids but perhaps there is something to the science behind the PrimaBella and the way it stimulates the median nerve.

PrimaBella NVP device
(www.primabellarx.com)

I got my PICC line put in today.  I'm 14 weeks pregnant now and have lost over 8% of my body weight.  I've managed to gain back 2lbs of what I've lost but can't seem to gain anymore right now.  I'm on a mostly liquid diet of carnation instant breakfast mixed with ice cold milk.  There are some days where I can tolerate eggo waffles (cooked a very specific way) but other days there is no way I can.  Most other things are not safe foods right now so I don't often try to eat anything solid for fear of going into another bad sick episode.

I really wasn't sure what to expect when I got to the hospital today, but was pleasantly surprised by the end of the procedure.  I didn't even have to change into one of those yucky hospital goes, it didn't take very long and they were able to get it properly placed on the first try.

I was warned that it would hurt when they were numbing my arm.  Truthfully, it did hurt but it was not nearly as painful as when the nurses are trying to get an IV in me and they blow vein after vein in their efforts.  It's a relief to know that they can do whatever they need through this PICC line and I won't have to deal with anymore needles.  Plus, there will be a lot less 30 minute drives across town (almost always in bad weather these days!) when I feel miserable because the nurses can home right to our house and take care of almost everything.  They told me it's ok to shower and said the way they taped it wouldn't need any kind of special cover.  I was dreading waiting for one to arrive in the mail since I couldn't find a place locally that would carry a latex free cover for it - it's a relief to not need one because if there is one thing I can't deal with right now it's not being able to be clean! They were able to place it in a way that gives me complete use of my arm, so I'm not worried about not being able to take care of myself.  It makes me feel a lot better to have the fluids because it stops my cycle of not keeping anything down and the oral medications really work decently when I am hydrated properly.

I managed to run a couple errands after getting the PICC in. I needed more milk and a new pillow.  I go through so much mik since I've been drinking mostly healthy protein/breakfast drinks and I've worn out our pillows laying in bed so much, so I headed for Super Target.  I wasn't up to walking around like I usually do but I got what I needed in one stop which was the goal.  I went through the Sonic drive through on the way home and got a grilled cheese.  I managed to keep a few bites down before I knew I couldn't handle anymore.  It sure was worth those couple bites though!  I'm waiting to hear when the home health care nurses will start coming, but it should be in the next day or two that I start getting fluids at home regularly.

I'm beyond thankful for a guardian angel that has come into our life right now.  I have no doubts that God has brought this special person into our life at just the right time.  Through the knowledge I have gained from him, I have been able to pass on to my husband that the doctors I have found here are doing everything they can and they are doing a great job treating this.  It was so great to hear the relief and calm come into my husband's voice this morning when I shared what has gone on this week and all that I have learned.  Not only that, but I have been led to some extremely valuable resources on HG, and they are opening my eyes and helping me to really understand my body.  This knowledge is so valuable when I feel like my body is something I can't control right now.  I hope I can pass on the information and the hope I've been given to others who are going through this as well.

It should only be about 12 more days until we find out the gender of our baby!  It's still going to be a little early at this appointment, but I hope baby will cooperate.  We've not bought anything baby related yet and I'm hoping to save a lot of the shopping for after my husband gets home.  I'm kind of picky and have a hard time finding stuff I like.  Like, I want to find a bouncer that isn't so bright and screams at you and has all kinds of attachments.  I like the more earthy tones I guess because they are just simple.  I'm sure what I want is out there - I just gotta look.  We gotta start figuring out what sort of cloth diaper system we want too.  I am still doing tons of research before making the investment on that one!  However, I'm really excited to decorate his Father's Day care package with gender specific colors/stuff so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that baby wants to share with us early enough to make that happen!

PICC line in place - day 1
14 weeks

Hyperemesis Gravidarum

There aren't many people out there who really get it.  Unless you have been through it, it's nearly impossible to understand.  I'm not writing this to point out how miserable I am.  I'm writing it because the message needs to get out there that this IS real and it IS awful, but you can survive and come out on the other side.  I'm absolutely determined to come out on the other side of this, with a story of growth and perseverance!  I'm writing this to share my story in hopes that someone, even just one person, will take the time to understand.

 "People tended to write off how I felt.  "Oh, just eat some crackers".  Believe me, I tried everything.  Some people tried to suggest that it was in my head.  That I didn't want my baby.  She may not have been planned, but I have known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a mother above all else in life.  The emotional wounds just added to the ridiculousness of what I was going through." 

http://womanuncensored.blogspot.com/2010/01/living-dead-girl-surviving-hg.html

See that bolded part?  Read that part again.  What's worse for me than the HG?  Dealing with all the emotional wounds that are being created by people who are judging me for my choice to continue the pregnancy, for following my doctors orders, for choosing to take medication to help deal with the debilitating symptoms after analyzing the risks over and over, telling me that I'm making it up, my baby is suffering, and telling me that it's just the stress of my husband being deployed making me sick.  Instead of judgement or trying to tell me what they think is causing my sickness - I wish they would just pray for me or give me some words of encouragement.  Keep the negative thoughts to yourself!  That's really what I need.  I need people who love me to lift myself, my baby, and my husband up in prayer and encourage us along the way!

"I can still only scratch the surface of sharing with you what it was like to have HG, but I hope that if someone you know is ever unfortunate enough to experience this, you will never invalidate them or suggest that it is all in their head.  You'd never doubt a cancer patient's pain, please dont minimize or doubt ours.  It is real.  Too real.  We would do ANYTHING to escape this suffering, no one would ever choose it." 

 http://womanuncensored.blogspot.com/2010/01/living-dead-girl-surviving-hg.html

I am so thankful that an organization like the HER Foundation is in existence.  I was just introduced to it today by a friend who has gone through HG herself, and already I can see the benefit of being able to understand this illness on a deeper level and helping those around me understand as well.  I look forward to connecting with others who have been there, and who really get what I am going through.  I'd encourage anyone to take a few moments to educate yourself on this topic.  It could happen to someone you know and love, and it would be an amazing gift for you to be able to share the resource with them, and let them know that you are trying to understand what they are going through.

I ran across this video clip from a documentary that is in the works.  It is a brief overview of one woman's journey through HG and it is powerful.

Hyperemesis Gravidarum Video Clip Rough Cut from WVP on Vimeo.

I'm not at the end of this yet but I know I'll get through it.  I'm even starting to see a little bit of improvement and have some days when I can function normally and do things like clean my kitchen or take our dog for a walk.  Other days it is an accomplishment if I am just able to take a warm bath before going back to bed to sleep through the worst of the symptoms.

It is so hard to just ignore all those who have spoken such negative and hurtful words to me throughout this experience.  I have a wonderful loving family, church family, and amazing husband who may not be close in proximity right now, but they are standing behind me as I walk through this journey.  They are lifting me up in prayer, encouraging me, and just letting me know that God is right here with me and He is ultimately the one that is in control.  Even something as simple as my mom calling to check on me, and being willing to fly out to help take care of me should I need the help - it speaks volumes and it gets me through the worst moments. 

God has given us such a gift in this miracle baby and I am so thankful.  It really will be ok again, eventually.  This will not last forever.  I am loved and so is this baby!  I cannot wait to see what God has in store for this amazing little baby growing inside my belly.  It is going to be amazing!

You Gotta Face The Clouds To Find The Silver Lining....

                          

I got to see my sweet baby again today.

The blessing in disguise of having a complicated pregnancy is that every time I've seen the doctor, so far, I've also gotten to see my baby on the screen.  The greatest blessing is that baby is doing very well and growing right on schedule despite mommy not feeling very good.  The high risk OB has changed around some of my medications and has ordered a new FDA approved non medicated treatment for the hyperemesis gravidarium called Prima Bella.  I should hopefully have that by Friday.  I'm hopeful that we are going to turn a corner with this thing soon so I can get back to life a little bit.

On the deployment front... I have to be honest.  Some days are harder than others.  Some nights seem colder and lonelier without him here.  Sometimes the phone call is just not enough, when I need to feel his arms around me...  when I need that comfort of knowing I am not in this alone.  Sometimes I just have to allow myself to fall apart, so I can pick up the pieces and keep going.  We made the choice together, that it was best for me to stay here in our home where I could be close to the doctors who would follow me from the beginning of pregnancy through delivery.  While we both know that was definitely the best choice, it's not always the easiest.  It's very hard to be so far away from family and friends at a time in my life where I feel very helpless, and could quite frankly use the help of family and friends..  Even the most mundane task like getting to the grocery store or the pharmacy has become a monumental undertaking some days.

Sometimes I just need a whole lot of faith to get through the day... and the night.  I just keep reminding myself that we have to face the clouds to find the silver lining.  When this deployment is over, we will have achieved a lot of things as individuals, as a married couple and as a new little family.  It's only the beginning... and in the bigger picture, it is only a small blip in time.  We'll make it through this... and the next several months are not going to last forever.    The great thing about time is that it's constant.  You can't make it go any faster, but it never goes any slower either. It just keeps right on going.

Normally, my husband is the one that listens to KLove exclusively.  It's not that I don't absolutely love KLove - but sometimes a girl has gotta have her country tunes for a little awhile and usually when I'm in the car alone is my country music time.  Since my husband deployed, KLove is the only thing that's been on my radio stations - even in the house.  This song, by Kutless has come on every single time that I have had the radio on.  At this point, I just keep telling myself to have faith.

"I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

That's what faith can do!

Even if you fall sometimes

You will have the strength to rise"

If faith can do all that... it can get us through this too.

Steaming Inside

Under normal circumstances, I really don't care what others think about me or my marriage because different things work for different people, and we're all different so there is no point in judging someone else.  However, since finding out the wonderful news that my husband and I are expecting a baby I have been bombarded with some of the rudest questions and assumptions I have heard in my life.  I am absolutely floored, and my blood is boiling.

Yes, I really didn't know I was pregnant when my husband left for his deployment.  I actually took a pregnancy test the morning before he left and it came out negative.  I only took a test to reassure us both (mostly me) that my cycle was wacky due to all the chaos and stress we'd been dealing with.

A couple weeks after he left, while stranded in Colorado during a huge spring snowstorm, I came down with what I thought was just a virus or possibly a kidney infection.  I ended up in an Urgent Care after several days of trying to fight off this illness on my own.  It did not even cross my mind to ask them to perform a pregnancy test, I saw absolutely no need.  It is the standing policy at that facility to do a pregnancy test on any female, ages 10-55, who presents with any symptoms that could be attributed to pregnancy.  When that doctor walked into the exam room and said "you know you're pregnant, right?" I was in complete and total shock myself.  I even asked him to check again to make sure he had the right person!  The doctor I saw that day was one of two doctors that I've seen this pregnancy that did not assume I had cheated on my husband.  After talking with him for awhile, he calmly reminded me of the facts of biology and that I could have even conceived a few days after my husband had left and I wouldn't be the first that it had happened to.  We now know that was definitely not the case, and in fact this baby was conceived in love almost 2 weeks PRIOR to my husband's departure.

What I really don't understand is why there are so many people who look at me and automatically assume that because I am pregnant and my husband is deployed, I must have been unfaithful.  I really don't think that is a vibe that I give off, and I'd love to be corrected if I am wrong on this because that is absolutely something I would have to work on immediately.  Those who know me best, really know my heart and know that when I said "I Do" it was forever - not just in the good times or while he's home...  forever and for always.

Is it ideal that my husband is not physically here with me during the majority of this pregnancy?  Not in the slightest.  Oh, how I wish he had been able to be in the doctors office with me when I found out... or at that first ultrasound....  I am sad that he will only be at our gender ultrasound via phone, if we can even arrange that!  He will more than likely be home for the birth, and that is more than a lot of military husbands can say right now - so for that I will choose to be thankful.  I will choose to be glad that I can keep him updated via photos and videos sent in care packages from home.  I choose to focus on the positives instead of the negatives because this baby should be and will be nothing but a blessing!

I guess deep down, under the surface anger, I feel sad for those who have made the assumptions and accusations.  It may not be the case for all of them, but perhaps some of them are so insecure in their own lives and relationships so they just assume the worst instead of looking at the situation in a different way, that assumes the best or at least pauses to consider the facts and biology.  I  guess some of it could just be explained as plain ignorance.

I feel a greater sense of sadness because some of the people who have made these assumptions are not just doctors at some military base who I will never see again, they are closer to me than that and I expected different from them.  Truthfully, I'm not really sure how to express how hurt I am by their accusations without causing a lot of drama.  I guess the best thing I can do is continue living my life in a way that is pleasing to Christ and to my husband.  Living by example, I can hope that others will look at me and see that I am not tempted in any way, by anyone other than my husband.  I want others to look at me and see a woman who is falling more and more in love with her husband, the baby growing inside of her and God every day, through the blessing in disguise that is called deployment.  It's hard for him to be away, but it really doesn't have to be a horrible time in life either.

Everything is what you make it.  Deployment is an opportunity - for growth,  for strength, for courage.

You know you're pregnant, right?

Baby's first ultrasound - 8.5 weeks

Truthfully, I just assumed it was a crazy bug I picked up while traveling and being on TDY with my husband for 3.5 months before he left for deployment.  So when the Urgent Care doctor walked in and said "you know you're pregnant, right?" I am pretty sure I turned pale as a ghost and just sat there in shock.  Um, no, what did you say?  Maybe you have the wrong patient?  My husband is deployed and has been gone for 2 weeks...  well, I guess it could be possible.  Wow.  Are you sure?

And so began my pregnancy journey!

The only complaint I have about being pregnant so far is definitely the morning sickness!  Who decided to call it that anyway?  "Morning sickness" is so misleading... I had always heard other women talk about how they were sick all day, every day and I felt like that must be horrible but surely it can't really last all day, every single day.  Now, I'm living it and it really is HORRIBLE and it really does last all day, every single day!  

I wish I could say that as I'm entering my 10th week things are starting to get better, but unfortunately I'm still suffering hard core.  I have a wonderful OB who has been working with me for a couple weeks now to find the right combination of prescription medication that will control my symptoms enough to at least let me keep some food/fluids in my system and stay out of the hospital.  Right now I'm taking a combination of 5 medications staggered throughout the day.  I had a couple days this last week where I felt so good, I was actually worried about whether or not the baby was ok but it wasn't long before I was back to feeling totally awful. Now that I'm back in the awful stage it feels like its worse than ever, and the days last so much longer when you feel so miserable that you can't do anything!

The saddest part of all of this is that as of tonight I am going to have to start wearing my wedding rings on a chain (with my husband's ring since he couldn't take his with him) because they will no longer stay on my fingers securely.  I've lost 24lbs since finding out I was pregnant.  I guess if he were here, it wouldn't be such a big deal to not be able to wear them, but with him gone it just feels really hard to take them off - even if only for a little while.  Maybe I'll take a trip to the hardware store and pick up my own rubber "o" ring to wear in place of my wedding rings, just like my husband is doing for the duration of this deployment.  Make lemons out of lemonade, right?

This "all day, every day" sickness will hopefully get the heck outta my system in the next few weeks.  Since I will be heading into my 2nd trimester right around Mother's Day I can't help but think that it'd be great timing to start feeling good again.  Honestly though, in spite of the morning sickness I am just feeling so amazingly blessed to officially be a mama-to-be.  I can't wait to see what God has in store for my husband and I as we grow together and learn to be parents, and how God is going to work in the life of our little one.

I'll leave you with the chorus of this song, These are the words by Sidewalk Prophets. It just plays over and over in my head when I think about our little one and what I can't wait to tell him/her about the world and our wonderful Savior.

Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope.

You're going to do great things, I already know.

God's got His hand on you so don't live life in fear.

Forgive and forget, but don't forget why you're here.

Take your time and pray.

Thank God for each day.

His love will find a way.

These are the words I would say...

http://www.youtube.com/user/sidewalkprophets#p/u/18/5BdFsGKpzz8