Saturday, April 16, 2011

time to feel, time to be

I know I haven't been posting like I should. I've tried - really hard. Between the spotty internet, stress, and military deployment curve-balls being thrown our way, it's just not happening. I know some of you are waiting for the continuation of Monkey's diagnosis story, and I promise it's coming by the end of next week. I'm sorry for keeping you waiting - it wasn't my intention, it's just what is.

Life kind of got in the way of everything for right now and I'm doing good just to keep going while we figure out what is happening in our immediate future.

So what is going on? Deployment is so close to starting, and emotions we didn't expect to come to the surface this time around have made their way to the surface of our hearts. Silly us, we thought since we'd been through this before it would be easier this time. I never imagined it would actually be harder.

Sarge and I, our last night at home
Deployment #1, December 2009

For now, I'm soaking up the moments in his arms.

I'm savoring every second we have in these moments.

When he comes home all 3 of us will have experienced at least one birthday, and changed a digit or two in our ages. So many holidays and special events we had planned on finally spending together are going to be missed again this year... along with some new ones we didn't imagine we'd be missing.

The latest changes to the deployment have just been hard to swallow for both of us. This just wasn't what we had planned and we don't understand why it has to be this way.

Monkey and Daddy - cuddling in the hotel room
Deployment #2, April 2011

We are also in the midst of making some big decisions concerning our future, and right now it seems like absolutely nothing is certain or stable except our love for each other and our little family, and of course God.

We are trusting and relying on our faith in God to pull us through everything we are facing. He knows so much better than we do and somehow He has a plan for us in all of this. We trust Him, but it doesn't make it easy.

Right now, I know it's ok to fall apart because in a few days he will be gone and that's when I have to be strong. For Monkey, for Sarge, to keep myself going... so for now?

It's ok if the tears fall, because he's here to wipe them away, hold me and remind me that no matter what we will be ok.  I'll be posting more on this song and how it has touched my life, later... but for now I'm just going to quote it.

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy. And what if trials of this life - the rain, the storms, the hardest nights - are your mercies in disguise... - Laura Story, Blessings